Expressing the Inner Voice

2011-11-28T12:00:00.002+08:00

It seems I couldn't take the fall. My head was knocked hard against the ground and am now under a spell.

A spell I couldn't break; a spell I fail to break persistently. Deeply spell bounded.

Somehow I couldn't restore my pride. Far worse than an infant child who has a will stronger than I.

Being blessed and fed with so many advice. Seems like part of me is missing. What am I suppose to do? HELP!

2011-11-03T11:03:00.002+08:00

People come and people go. Someone that we have loved with all of our hearts one day can, quite literally, vanish from our lives the next. Not necessarily from death. Not even from rancor. Sometimes simple circumstance can take a best friend, a lover or a partner right out of your hands, never to be seen again.

That’s sad. But that’s life.

It does not mean that its the end of the story but rather its the beginning of a new chapter in life as these people have ended their story with you and somehow someday this character might just breathe life again once in a while in our thoughts or even for real.

Recent events which really shot me at heart was of course my friends' graduation. It felt as though I was soaring with them. I was happy. Happy for them and for myself and I'm already starting to miss each of them.

On the way, met new friends as well having in mind that no friend is perfect.

Lastly, a great lost to the world as a talented musician; friend has passed away. Your undying love for music has touched the world. Your death has shaken us all. Battling the demon inside you was not easy but still you persevere to the very end. Rest in peace, Brian Tan Wee Thean.

2011-10-23T17:35:00.003+08:00

Been busy trying to change life; thinking of ways to change life. Somehow every day seems to wake oneself after what is.

The recent holidays back in Kuching doesn't change much of me. Well maybe it does having looked at my cousin getting married, it made me really joyous and scared because of what is happening and of what is to happen next to my chapter in life.

Mum is always the same putting her sons down especially in front of others while the other members seem to grow but not just yet. What really surprised me was that little change in Dad. It's not much but somehow he understands the difficulty of life better. Hopefully there is more to come from my parents.

Obstacles in life are not good but that is when life is taken for granted. It just simply means that its time to level up one's life. I have taken life for granted and now am in the midst of fighting with myself and everything else. In time, it just gets better and just fall into place all at once.

It's funny how chances changes people's life just like a switch. Just a few more switches to my ideal life although not perfect. It's not going to be easy but I really want it.

Looking forward to a better life.

Winston.

2011-10-04T17:16:00.001+08:00

2011-09-30T17:14:00.000+08:00

2011-08-20T16:48:00.002+08:00

"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love."
— Mother Teresa

"I am not sure exactly what heaven will be like, but I know that when we die and it comes time for God to judge us, he will not ask, 'How many good things have you done in your life?' rather he will ask, 'How much love did you put into what you did?"
— Mother Teresa

"Do not think that love in order to be genuine has to be extraordinary. What we need is to love without getting tired. Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies."
— Mother Teresa

"Everytime you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing."
— Mother Teresa

"I alone cannot change the world, but I can cast a stone across the waters to create many ripples."
— Mother Teresa

"If you are humble nothing will touch you, neither praise nor disgrace, because you know what you are."
— Mother Teresa

2011-08-16T19:01:00.002+08:00

Finished my graduation recital. It felt good.

I tried to help someone in need today and it felt good too.

Life is life. :-)

2011-08-07T22:04:00.001+08:00

WHAT THE FUCK!!!

I wish my mum would stop treating me like a small kid......

2011-08-06T21:18:00.000+08:00

Never ending worries to solve with each a lesson to learn from.

Too many commitments running along excuses.

There is nothing perfect about me and that is definite. When you're good, there would still be someone or something reaching out to hold you back- be it your or others' conscience.

And that is why I will continue striving this path knowing it would be challenging.

Thank the Lord for what has happened recently- the opportunities given as well as sending all my guardian angels to help me.

2011-07-27T23:33:00.002+08:00

Post practice syndrome!!!!

Emo!!!!

Graduation recital soon.......

2011-06-18T22:16:00.003+08:00

“All charming people have something to conceal, usually their total dependence on the appreciation of others"- Cyril Connolly.

2011-06-15T10:23:00.002+08:00

Lord please please please please......

I need a miracle to happen.

Give me the strength to carry on.

Save me from the fires of hell.

Ignite the flame in me.

Amen.

2011-06-08T14:04:00.002+08:00

Struggling and fighting.

And guess who's this?

Yes, it is Krzystof Kaczka. I looooooveeeeee his tone. My new idol....hahaha.......

2011-05-20T00:05:00.000+08:00

2011-05-18T11:39:00.005+08:00

He was right about everything.

It totally killed my pride as a musician, as a men.

Taking ages for me to heal to my normal self.

Something greater is waiting ahead, but yet I'm being so......reluctant....doubtful........

"Have confidence."

"Your sound is just like you right now, no confidence. Go to the core of the sound. I heard it before and you were the only one changing sounds making them better each time and listening to what I'm saying. At least someone listens to me in there you know. You sounded good. You can do the same too now. Play your HEART out"

"Fight. Make them regret for doing this. Prove them they're wrong. That you are worthy. Maybe its good you're not in there you know. You learn nothing in there."

Never have I felt so moved. I thought of too many things that clouded my mind.

Lord, with your guidance, please help me achieve what I desire to do most.

Gotta move with confidence from now on.

2011-05-17T22:25:00.001+08:00

Today's outing was based on self centered needs.

Rather pissed.

2011-05-12T22:13:00.000+08:00

I almost forsook my generation — Michelle Ng

2011-05-04T10:45:00.002+08:00

An article from the Malaysian Insider.

May 03, 2011

MAY 3 — Hi, my name is Michelle. I almost forsook my generation.

I hail from a modest family. I have a hardworking father and a loving mother. They taught me well and always made sure that I had everything I need. As a child, I always thought that everything was blissful. Daddy always came home with a smile on his face — it always seemed that he had a good day at work. Mum was always happy to see him. My siblings and I were the rather happy-go-lucky kind.

It was 11 when I knew that I wanted to become an enforcer of justice. How? I don’t know. It just felt right. I didn’t know what I wanted to do exactly. I thought of being a policewoman or a forensic scientist or a lawyer. I just wanted to do what was right.

This desire kept with me ever since.

When mum realised my passion, she was rather happy. My dad always called me the “loyar burok” in the house. Needless to say, I was very argumentative since I was a kid. My parents always knew that I’d develop along those lines.

And then, I grew up.

I grew up to realise that I wouldn’t derive much satisfaction if I were just to become a lawyer. To change lives case by case was is a noble task, no doubt. But I’ve always felt like I can do more than that. I logically derived that the greatest enforcers of justice are judges. And I wanted to be one. I would hear many cases within a day. And would have been able to change more lives than if I were to be a lawyer.

I told my parents what I wanted to do. And well, they weren’t very happy about it. Everything went downhill from then on.

We exchanged hurtful conversations. My dad, being in a semi-government sector, told me that I wouldn’t get anywhere if I were to work in the public service. Dad was a noble man. He stood by his boss when everyone ran away. He worked hard and trained a whole generation of workers who were to be fed into the work line. He climbed the corporate ladder. But he didn’t get up as high as he should have. As the years passed, he saw the generation that he trained become his bosses. He felt that it was unfair for him to go through that. The system lacked justice, evidently — he said that it is because he is Chinese.

My mum said that her many friends who are now judges are living testimonies of the degree of corruption in the Malaysian judiciary. “Why do you want to trap yourself in a cage?” she asked. I told her that it’s because if the judiciary is corrupt, then judgments in individual cases will be corrupted as well. It’s a knock-on effect. At the end of the day, we’ll be living in a society whose culture was developed by corruption. I said that I wished to stop that. She said: “‘My friends thought that as well. Look at them now.” I said: “‘Mum, when you are called to do something, you don’t just give up like that. Even if I don’t succeed in this generation, at least I can die knowing that I’ve paved the path for future generations to walk on and, hopefully, build on.” She said: “If you ever get into trouble, don’t come looking for me.”

I knew that my parents didn’t mean what they say. They were being parents. They were looking out for me. But words like that hurt, you know?

I thought long and hard about it — if the path that I’m going to walk will cause my family to turn against me, if the path that I am taking will leave me with huge financial burdens, if the path that I take will be so hindered such that, at the end of the day, I wouldn’t be anywhere near what I intend to achieve, is it worth it?

My parents told me: “Michelle, you’re a smart child. Get a job overseas. Don’t come back.”

I thought that the suggestion had merit and, at one point, gave huge weight to it. Law enforcement in Malaysia seemed hopeless. So they say, “one man can’t change the world”.

I went through a tough battle with myself. My mum had a point. If the system was already corrupted, and if you are going to work in the system, you’re not going to get anywhere. Logically, I thought to myself — the only way to achieve my dreams will be to change the system. And the only way to do that was, well, politics.

I thought myself crazy for a moment. I felt that everything would be working against me if I went into that field. I am a Chinese, Christian, female. Who would want to hear what I say? I kept this to myself for a long time. I didn’t dare say anything to anyone for fear that I will be made fun of.

But since making that decision, it has rested well with my soul. I felt good about it.

In 2009, when I held office in the Malaysian Society in LSE, I was approached to organise a talk in LSE for Anwar Ibrahim. For the safety and wellbeing of the community I represented, I felt that it would have been suicidal to say yes to organising this event. Surely, since his release from prison, he will inadvertently draw a huge crowd with hugely varying interests and opinions. I made my stance clear to his organising committee, but directed them to the right sources so that they can organise their event in LSE nonetheless.

After the talks he gave in London, Senator David Yeoh, who was part of his entourage, treated the organising committee to a dinner to say thank you. I had the opportunity to meet young activists — those who shared the same ideal as I do. They told their stories of how they were detained at immigration upon entry into Malaysia, their hopes for our country, and how they have been fighting, and will keep on fighting for many years to come.

I was rather in awe.

I turned to Yeoh and asked whether PR offered internships. He made a sensible comment and said: “No. We’re too young. Ask DAP. They should have MPs that you can work under.”

Long story short, I did a 1½-month internship with Tony Pua and Dr Ong Kian Ming (UCSI lecturer, political analyst, consultant). And everything that I did within that time span felt right. I didn’t matter whether I took three flights in two days between Peninsular Malaysia and Sarawak. It didn’t matter that I had to be at Taman Jaya station at 8 in the morning everyday to head to the many districts in Selangor, only to do the simple task of note-taking during the town hall meetings which will contribute to the Selangor Blueprint. On these days, I’ll reach home at about midnight, only to have that few hours of sleep, and repeat the whole routine again.

I worked with people on the ground, learned their way of life, their morals, their culture. I heard their heartbreaking stories about how all they want is a Sibu that doesn’t flood, a Kuching that has its land distributed fairly among its people, an education system that doesn’t brainwash their children...

I saw these people, and had this surging desire to educate the uneducated, to give jobs to the poor, to speak for the voiceless.

I felt that I would be doing injustice if I were to use my abilities and resources for myself. It just wasn’t right. I want the aunts and uncles who sell fruits by the street to not have to worry whether they’ll be able to make a good sale tomorrow. I want the children of these uncles and aunts to know that they have an equal opportunity to achieve their heart’s desires in the future. I want UM to find its place on the world stage again. I want teachers to have pride in their work. I want Malaysia to be the place where people are proud to be a part of; a place where people will want to come home to.

Hi, my name is Michelle. Forsake my generation, I shan’t.

* This is the personal opinion of the writer or publication. The Malaysian Insider does not endorse the view unless specified.

http://www.themalaysianinsider.com/breakingviews/article/i-almost-forsook-my-generation-michelle-ng/

2011-04-29T23:28:00.000+08:00

2011-04-27T23:42:00.000+08:00

2011-04-25T20:11:00.004+08:00

2011-04-25T12:54:00.004+08:00

X: Did you ever like somebody but the timing was off? Way off? You feel things that you should not be feeling............I'm not making any sense.

Y: You make much sense......you long for him the way I long for you.

X: Y, I don't want you to think......

Y: I want to tell you something. You need to learn patience. I mean love can't always be perfect. Love is just.....LOVE.

2011-04-16T09:45:00.005+08:00

Finally, another semester.

I'm beginning to feel even more stressful right now because of graduation and not knowing what my next move will be.

When can I change my flute? Can I get the pieces done in time? And all the other worries...

...................................................................................

Playing even harder for the semester break with such a tight budget to relief all that is stuck within me.

I had a great night in Mezze and SS 2 Murni last night; Great music, great food, great friends!

Tom Ford

2011-04-12T14:02:00.004+08:00

Never knew about this brand. Love it!

2011-03-26T10:00:00.002+08:00

My Dad is a little bit right about the situation but STILL PROFESSIONALISM COMES FIRST.

2011-03-18T16:05:00.005+08:00

I WANNA GET OUT OF HERE!

I'M A LONELY PERSON COZ OF DENIAL!

SOMEONE PLEASE MOTIVATE ME!

WOULD YOU BE MY GIRLFRIEND?!

The four statements that are in my brain right now.

Neverending wishes........

2011-03-16T21:55:00.000+08:00

I wish I have someone to talk to besides God

I wish life's not as tough as what I'm going through now. There are too many Tests for me to overcome.

I wish to know more about happiness from deep within my heart because of the word wealth.

I wish to witness a miracle.

I wish my father is not how he is now.

I wish for the pain to subside even with the revelation of scars.

I wish to speak my heart out.

...........ETC..........

All these wishes reflecting how human I am.

2011-03-13T23:48:00.003+08:00

Something I should keep in mind.

“You can’t judge anyone for what they’ve done, because people change.” — Leighton Meester

...................................................................................

Often people talk behind others. So often people misjudge.

In a nutshell, very often people look into the mirror blinded by their pride.

Yes, I'm imperfect. What about you, dear reader?

2011-03-09T23:45:00.000+08:00

Missing in action for quite sometime.

Well, something to keep you guessing:

I love my new laptop!

There you go. A pill to millions of anxiety or should I say curiosity? Whatever.

Today's practice's a total mayhem. And so is class. All I can say is? My life's a roller coaster. Great things comes and goes; it frustrates me.

2011-02-04T08:30:00.000+08:00

2011-02-03T08:27:00.001+08:00

2011-01-31T09:37:00.003+08:00

I found my red shirt. It was displaying itself in one of the shelves of Jusco. Looks so Topshop but so cheap. My mum expects me to wear it every 1st day of the Chinese New Year. Finally, job done........

Updates......

Online web checked in just now for my flight back to Kuching tomorrow.........

Surprisingly, I was given a hamper from my student's parents. Really thanks. Hahaha.........

2011-01-29T09:47:00.002+08:00

The last two days including today can sum up to one word: Mood~less.

Something strucked me 2 days back. Again, I have never been so down in my life.

The first time at the age of 21, I cried till 1 am. Fuck.

Woke up in the morning, walked to uni to practice. Suppose to be in bed mourning and weeping but I assured myself that I'll be fine.

Crying while practicing long tones. Fuck.

I told my brothers and Hristo about it. Thank you brothers for the concern.

The next day, the same thing happen. Fuck.

Yes, the last two days has been very dramatic indeed.

AND TODAY..........

I am pennyless and still deciding what to do later to forget all these things.

2011-01-07T09:57:00.000+08:00

And in the crush of the dark, I'll be your light in the mist.

I can see you burning with desire for a kiss.

HAPPY 2011

2011-01-01T22:02:00.003+08:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

2010-12-25T20:53:00.002+08:00

2010-12-21T21:11:00.005+08:00

It feels as though many months had passed after the recent MPYO camp.

I'm missing every moment of time spent together.

Home is still home after all. Thank God for the blessings. Still hoping for the best, delivering us from evil (Amen).

Felt like I couldn't communicate with the outside world.

Trapped in a forbidden city of trance.

Effing miss all my friends.

2010-12-07T15:08:00.003+08:00

Off to MPYO camp in an hours time.

15/12 & 17/ 12- Performance tour in Kuantan and Penang.

19/12- Back in KL to perform (KLCC).

20/12- Back to Kuching.

All this awesome events I am waiting to indulge in.

2010-12-06T00:13:00.000+08:00

2010-12-04T09:14:00.001+08:00

A great article about shopping and the mall in the Reader's Digest magazine, December 2010 issue (Malaysia) entitled, To shop, or Not? by Clarissa Tan.

"Is the abundance of malls across Asia a sign of its new wealth or does it show a poverty of imagination?"

2010-12-04T08:48:00.002+08:00

RM 400 to YOU psychologically in FIGURES is a lot.

RM 200 to YOU psychologically in FIGURES is a little.

So you rather give a smaller amount self comforting yourself. I guess???

2010-11-30T09:07:00.004+08:00

2010-11-29T07:59:00.000+08:00

In love with Marc Jacobs', RAIN.

2010-11-25T08:21:00.005+08:00

EVERY ONE KNOWS ABOUT ALEXANDER GRAHAM BELL WHO INVENTED THE
TELEPHONE, BUT HE NEVER MADE A CALL TO HIS FAMILY. BECAUSE, HIS
WIFE AND DAUGHTER WERE DEAF. THAT'S LIFE, " LIVE FOR OTHERS " .

THE WORST IN LIFE IS "ATTACHMENT " IT HURTS WHEN YOU LOSE
IT. THE BEST THING IN LIFE IS " LONELINESS " BECAUSE IT TEACHES
YOU EVERYTHING AND, WHEN YOU LOSE IT, YOU GET EVERYTHING.

2010-11-18T13:20:00.002+08:00

All the drama and fake people pretending really gets into my nerves.

From life itself to facebook tags and wall posts. WTF.

2010-11-16T20:37:00.003+08:00

Starbucks in Korea

I just notice recently (while eating fries) that McD's plastic bag prints a Korean cellist. Awesome.

2010-11-11T23:11:00.001+08:00

AZA!!!!!!!!! GO, GO JEFFREY!!!!!!!

V Magazine Fall 2010

2010-11-10T13:47:00.003+08:00

Yes. That's Lady Gaga if you're guessing and of course Marc Jacobs in one of the covers of the V magazine Fall 2010. The cover shot was photographed by famous fashion photographer Mario Testino. Lady Gaga poses as the statue of liberty alongside designer Marc Jacobs for this cover, in which artist Dan Colen interpreted the iconic "V" using bubble gum as his medium.

2010-11-06T20:27:00.002+08:00

Continuous days of worrying and countless nights of half- sleeping.

Life, music, love, lonesome, money..............everything.................

I purged my unsavory emotions basically to myself. Alcohol could probably take away my control over my long-burrowed pain. Damp years have sullied my mind. It might dissolve the weak side of my conjugated cognition.

I miss my family.

Underwater photoshoot!

2010-11-04T07:35:00.002+08:00

I know, AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-10-29T10:29:00.004+08:00

Sometimes you have to allow yourself to be weak in order to grow stronger.- Eleanor Waldorf

2010-10-26T18:34:00.003+08:00

I finally finished jury and all other exams.

I feel terribly insulted! This is the second time; an unqualified person amongst the jurors.

Really WTF!

2010-10-23T08:46:00.003+08:00

2010-10-20T18:07:00.002+08:00

You ask if why I smile or laugh?

It is because I'm in pain. TOO MUCH IN PAIN!

I can't resist it without laughing.

2010-10-19T18:59:00.004+08:00

2010-10-10T21:27:00.005+08:00

I use to go to a private school where all parents wanted their child to go have the best education.

I was once a kid who indulge in what the average rich kids have gone through.

Adapting a whole new chapter of life was difficult for me and what more to say it just gets worse.

Life from a different perspective has taught me one of the most important things. To appreciate.

We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have.

The people around me, the things I own, food, life itself,

Thank you for teaching me such a valuable lesson.

2010-10-10T21:01:00.002+08:00

"So I learned to listen through silence."- Sara Bareilles.

"Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination."- Oscar Wilde.

2010-10-06T21:49:00.003+08:00

I am hurting myself worse by wallowing in the absurd phenomenon of shield that covers up myself due to my rather disciplined daily regime.

Yes, hard time. I am having this hard time for years. I constantly strike hard, try to fix the broken, to pursue, to accomplish, all in the name of gain.

All these illuminate my future corpse felt threatened by the perceived loss of my imagined throne of brightest dream.

Thank You, Lord. For giving me the courage to hold and carry on.

2010-10-06T21:47:00.001+08:00

2010-09-19T12:14:00.002+08:00

To not let the dark envelope me into gloom, I knew I needed a remedy. I took off from all responsibilities, and I tended to myself.

I switched on my laptop and thought deeply as I sat down, the typical phenomenon of my overactive mind going into complete overdrive when there is no other verbal traffic to interfere, and pondered about the chronicles of my life.

2010-09-13T23:29:00.000+08:00

2010-09-13T23:19:00.000+08:00

2010-08-23T19:14:00.000+08:00

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.- Oscar Wilde

2010-08-23T18:46:00.002+08:00

The 29 things

1. The next time when you feel you are so great, try to walk on the water.

2. When the devil reminds you about your past, remind him about his future.

3. You are not lucky; you are blessed.

4. If you want to truly live in GOD, you have to die to YOURSELF.

5. Opportunity may only knock at your door once, but temptation is always ringing the door bell.

6. We often forget God when we feel strong.

7. Those who call Father only on the Sabbath live like an orphan in the rest of the week.

8. "God is THE ONE" instead of "I'm THE ONE".

9. No Christ, no peace; there is Christ, there is peace.

10. Why do we not mention Christ to our friends? Because we don't mention our friends to Christ.

11. Give all you have to the Lord, because He has given you all.

12. Does the thing you are chasing deserve Jesus to die for?

13. True friends are those who make you get closer to God.

14. God loves us, not because of who we are, but who He is.

15. God's promises are like stars at night; the more the darkness is, the lighter the stars will shine.

16. Life without Christ is endless despair; life with Christ is forever hope.

17. I don't know what tomorrow will be, but I know who holds tomorrow.

18. Give your burden to the Lord, and leave it there.

19. Don't be afraid of tomorrow, because God is already there.

20. When you have nothing beside God, you will find God has given you everything you need.

21. Surrender to the Lord; don't tell God how raging the surge is in your life, but tell the raging surge how great your God is.

22. Only the one who formed the hearts can satisfy the hearts.

23. Please always let the light in your heart shine, because you would not know who will go out from darkness through this light.

24. When we are busy working, we are working alone; when we are praying, God is working for us.

25. God is everywhere, so we can pray anywhere.

26. Those who are not in need will never see miracle.

27. God reminds us the value of our life, but the world always tries to make us forget about it.

28. When you are having hard time on the way, don't only pray but forget to walk on the way God want you to.

29. Prayer will do a lot of things for us; worry will do a lot of things on us.

2010-08-15T16:38:00.003+08:00

I was listening to Chopin's E minor piano concerto and Bach's D minor. Listened so attentively till my heart melted and then was in tears. Was not only touched by the character portrayed in every theme which was brought out so beautifully but the tone and colours each instrument produce.

I will never be able to get a new flute. I will never be able to play like this on stage; the different colours of tone, something that still lacks in my playing.

2010-08-10T09:02:00.002+08:00

THE CRAZIEST MONTH EVER!!!

Uncomfortable sleeps and stress.

Gotta enjoy to the fullest during the hols.

2010-08-01T09:05:00.007+08:00

Another month gone. I'm going to receive my RM 200 for my daily expenses.

After buying groceries I left with RM 100.

Well, I'm not some kid eating in the high school canteen food in Kuching. I'm in KL and in university.

Of course I do go to work. All the sweat money is not use for enjoying but surviving and still not enough. I'm left with no savings at all and the only thing my Dad thinks of is I spend lavishly. My mum however keeps nagging on why am I not eating well and stuff yeah well, what you get is what you got.

Last month's MAJOR expenditure:

RM 400 on a set of four MPO lesson tickets and I'm collecting back RM 100 every 2 weeks from my Dad just in case he couldn't afford to pay at a big sum all at once.

These lesson tickets are enough kill me. I have to survive on oats, bread and instant noodles.

Food expenses. Transportation costs (LRT and taxi- travelling up and down to places). Photo state materials. So many other expenses.

You know what bothers me? I still owe people a certain amount of money.

What a crappy life!

2010-07-29T20:21:00.004+08:00

The most "amazing" thing happened to me this afternoon.

I was eating bread for lunch while walking down the stairs on the way to the library.

With great power a girl knocks me and out fell the bread from my grasp.

WTF.

My poor bread. My poor bread fell onto the dusty tar road. I managed to rescue it but it was all dirty and unedible.

No apologies. WTH.

She just catwalked away. Well, if you're pretty it should be fine but goodness, NO.

In the end, the poor bread had to rest in peace in the garbage bin.

2010-07-29T00:23:00.000+08:00

Piano house.

2010-07-24T08:05:00.003+08:00

I'm sick, damn that bar of Snickers. Sore throat and a bit of a flu.

I can't sleep not because of the sickness but I don't know why I feel so restless and so needing to hug someone. Keep sighing throughout my sleep. I wonder what those symptoms are.

Either too much love denial or craving for money to survive my entire life or always going against my feeling.

Sighs.

2010-07-17T20:12:00.002+08:00

I'm not sure if i miss home. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't.

I wonder if situations are getting any better?

I miss Kuching. Home? Not sure.

If only I could lead my heart into their closed minds.

I'm very sad and all I can do is pray to God hoping that he will answer to my prayer.

2010-07-14T19:43:00.001+08:00

1. Munchy's Oat Crunch
2. Old town's hazelnut white coffee
3. 2 bars of Snickers
4. A loaf of Gardenia wholemeal bread
5. Gardenia kaya spread

Basically, these are the things that I bought today.

2010-06-29T17:46:00.004+08:00

2010-06-29T17:41:00.003+08:00

The Myth

2010-06-29T00:53:00.006+08:00

Release me from this mysterious waiting
The stars are falling; the wind is blowing.
Finally I can hold you in my arms.
Two hearts beating together.
Believe me that my heart is never-changing
Waiting a thousand years.
You have my promise
Despite many bitter winters, I never let you go.

Close your eyes and tightly grab my hands.
Please recall the past - the days we were in love.
We loved each other too much,
It is sorrowful that we can't even say "I love you."

Every night my heart aches.
I never stop thinking of you.
I am used to being alone for such a long time
And I face it with a smile.
Believe me, I choose to wait.
Even though it's painful, I won't leave.
Only your tenderness can save me from the endless cold.

Let love be a blossoming flower in our hearts.
We can pass through time, never bowing our heads,
And never giving up our dream.
We loved each other too much,
That is the source of our pain.
It is sorrowful that we can't even say "I love you."

We never forget our promise.
Only true love follows us as we pass through time.

The love we have in our hearts is the only never-changing myth.

The Myth OST, Endless Love.

MPYO plays jazz.....1.....

2010-06-23T22:03:00.002+08:00

Terrific!!! A wonderful experience for me to play with such great people.

The Bostonian friends: Christian Jacob, Danny Gottlieb, Fritz Renold, Randy Brecker, Reggie Hamilton, Steve Reid.

Google them up peeps.

photos will be uploaded soon.............;-P

Random op. 8

2010-05-27T01:27:00.003+08:00

You went around in redundant circles, setting me on fire. I did force myself to do anything to keep me occupied, just to keep my sanity.

Time trickles by much too slow. I do not want to love or hate, I want to feel indifference. That is when all ties will truly be severed. That is when I really would have pushed you out of my heart and thought, when it is really over, when you are really dead to me.

Another Saturday

2010-05-22T16:53:00.004+08:00

I was about to reach the development section of the fluid Mozart piano concerto when the campus guard called me off......an authentic way to end the practice and the concerto itself. Shit.

URghhhh!!

2010-05-13T15:55:00.002+08:00

I was blinded by my own anger. Fuck.

I feel stupid.

Anyways, I'm rather cross at a person right now because of a matter few weeks ago. Hopefully she has brains to digest what should be and what should not be said.

Thought of the Day.

2010-04-25T01:10:00.003+08:00

Something I was pondering upon.......

We spent and waste most of our time worrying and bitching about our problems when we should working on how to fix them.

The basis of complication is simplicity.

Random op. 7

2010-04-18T00:15:00.003+08:00

Sometimes, it is best to keep everything to yourself so that the people you love will not get hurt.

But at times I have to let it out to keep myself from being at the cliff of insanity.

Lol quotations

2010-04-16T14:17:00.004+08:00

Thus, as Cocteau described it, the 'smart audience, in tails and tulle, diamonds and ospreys were interspersed with the suits and bandeaux of the aesthetic crowd. The latter would applaud novelty simply to show their contempt for the people in the boxes......innumerable shades of snobbery, super- snobbery and inverted snobbery were represented......the audience played the role that was written for it....'

ummm..........hahaha.....

Without doubt the most terrifying experience of my life in the theatre was the first orchestra rehearsal of Le Sacre [1920 revival]. Igor Stravinsky, wearing an expression which would have frightened a hundred Chosen Virgins, pranced up and down the centre aisle of the [Theatre des Champs- Elysees, while Ansermet practised difficult passages of music with the orchestra.

this one really made me laugh......

I finally finished it; hopefully no plagiarism problem.

Thought of the day.

2010-04-11T13:49:00.001+08:00

Man age with time.

I age with my parents permission.

Easter Sunday thoughts

2010-04-04T18:16:00.011+08:00

Talking nicely will end up quarreling. I have done so much and there is nothing I can do.

"Faith… Must be enforced by reason…When faith becomes blind it dies."- Mahatma Gandhi. You have lost your have faith. Please, walk back into the light of God.

You are alone in the dark. I am reaching out my weak hands into the darkness, to pull your hand into the light but I can't do it alone, you have to agree to do it with me.

..........................................................................

I finally found a gang to go to church with near masjid jamek.

Rather excited.

I miss You.

More pics...

2010-04-04T11:23:00.000+08:00

More pictures will be updated into my gloomy blog.

updating soon......

MPYO March camp, randomness.

2010-04-04T11:11:00.004+08:00

One day in Permata's dining hall, Beng Yew took out his MAC.....the output...

Starhill. Randomness.

2010-04-04T10:58:00.009+08:00

This was 2 months ago I think, having our CNY small dinner gathering at Sakae Sushi. After which, we went bizarre at Starhill then back home in Karen's mini car.

Too childish!

2010-04-04T10:34:00.003+08:00

The older he grows, the more childish he gets.

I wonder what is on his mind? Where has his maturity gone to?

Sick and tired of him wanting to think that he is right from small to big issues.

I gave myself too many chances to forgive him for being so childish. In fact, it is just too intricate.

People say that forgiveness depends on our level of maturity and unbiased mind. It seems like I'll take many years to forgive him. So difficult isn't it?

If he is not going to change then THERE WILL BE NO CHANGE IN MY FAMILY'S LIFE & MY ENTIRE LIFE.

I need people who can move forward, not someone passive.

Upcoming events, op. 1

2010-03-09T00:39:00.002+08:00

Midterm is finally over and so is wind sectionals for the coming camp.

MPYO camp and internal auditions coming up.

We will be playing Korngold's Captain Blood Overture, Tan Dun's Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and Dvorak's Symphony no. 9 (New World) for the upcoming MPYO concert, Occident and Orient on the 17th March 2010, Wednesday, 8.30 pm.

Please come and support.

Random op. 6

2010-03-07T18:28:00.007+08:00

My life being so complicated makes me want to experience free fall to embrace the beauty of it.

How I wish I have wings to fly up high in the sky like a swan or dove looking down from above; so free, so at peace. Fly as high as possible and as far to forget all my sad, angry and unforgiven memories.

I wish I could play music which flows endlessly, touching others at heart with full of joy and sorrow; without worrying about technical skills and abilities, without selfish people judging the way I play, without doubts...............................

I wish I have friends who are at the same situation as me to go through what I've gone through but together, so that we have each other when we are down.

At times, it is so difficult to be a being on earth.

Releasing anger op. 1!

2010-03-06T21:32:00.006+08:00

I'm getting really hot- tempered this few days. Particularly, thanks to my dad who doesn't even know single thing about music and yet he thought that he knows everything. The truth is he's just another "traditional parent", stuck in their owns well.

A father who crosses me and my brother's barrier. Not respecting me as his son when he expects us (the 3 of us) to respect him, listen to him, "be a good boy" etc.....etc.....etc.....well, WHAT THE FUCK!!!

YOU think you know a lot about music? Well, what do you know? NOTHING! You are just over- crossing our path making a big hell for us. You don't know about how we live. You do not know what type of situation we are in. You do not know anything. In addition, you don't learn music at all........

A father who just thinks of saving money and not earning!

A father whom does not even know what to spend on and what not to. (the German violin issue)

A father whom falls but chose not to climb again!

A father whom says that he can't receive holy communion because he sins too much.???WTH!!

When I'm trying to show how mature and grown up I've become, how I've changed, how different I am, he'll think that I'm just not experience or I'm arguing.

A father whom cannot carry on with his life!!!! or even start a new one!!!

How I wish I could put all this sentence in a positive manner but if I do that, Will it help him?

As a father you are just too much. How can you treat us like this? Like we are stupid, when we know much much more things?

Well.....same goes to my drunken mother.

If I were to ask my thoughts to them, will they see it with an open- mind or just think that I'm trying to be clever, I'm not experience enough etc... etc...etc......

If anything happens to me or my brothers, it will be their fault because when I'm one step ahead, they will be the ones pulling us backwards.

Can they be more open- minded? See ahead? think out of the box?

Why? Why? Why?

Oh, gee, my sentences are all over the places. Forgive me. I'm not writing an essay anyway, who cares. Believe me, there is more to come......

Ridiculous!!!

2010-02-28T15:48:00.005+08:00

Dear Francis and Philip,

Thank you for your email. Now that I know Philip's situation more clearly, I'm afraid that I won't be able to take him in as a student at this time, because I cannot make any of the criteria that you listed below. I charge more than the MPYO rate, and as I am very busy with my MPO rehearsals and other engagements, I cannot possibly give daily 2 hour lessons. On top of that, I only go to UCSI once a week. I mainly teach from my home or at KLCC.

I'm sorry I won't be able to teach Philip. Perhaps you can find a teacher that is not in MPO. They may be able to have time to teach Philip within the stipulated time.

Philip, I wish you all the best.

Sincerely,

Lillian.

You can all imagine what type of questions did my father ask to a professional violinist in the Malaysian Philharmonic Orchestra, graduating from Eastmann School of music, Rochester (one of the finest place to study music).

I went mad when I heard about the e-mail. Who does he think he is to go around throwing his questions freely in the air? He doesn't even know what was the exact reason Brian refused Philip as his apprentice.

He just ruined my reputation, furthermore, he has just blacklisted my name and Philip's name from the music industry specifically in Kuching. Thank God, the teacher was an understanding person.

Random op. 5

2010-02-28T15:40:00.006+08:00

You think I'm happy? I'm not. My appearance acts as a puppet to support my innerself which is all crushed inside.

You think I'm loaded? I'm not. I just love to dress like a rich men carrying confidence inside me when I am actually so broke you couldn't even imagine.

Updates!

2010-02-11T21:38:00.003+08:00

Updates on AYO.....

Everyone who took the audition pretty much wanted to get into the orchestra, I mean who wouldn't want to, right?

Basically, the audition was excruciatingly intense .

I was almost malfunctioning after my audition; I just can't stop thinking about the conductor not saying anything, at all. I couldn't control myself but cried out like an idiot at home in my room. Oh, fuck, now to come and think of it, I was stupid.

Updates on quizzes and recital.....

Aural= when the going gets tough, the tough gets going.

Theory= perfect score!

History= Reading loads are really essential. I've got to get my eyes stuck on the book instead of the notebook.

French Diction= It's complicated but manageable. I should take French classes! not diction!

Recital= I had the repertoire memorized but finally realised after the recital that I didn't play a single articulation except a slur at every beginning of a phrase, OMG! The worst recital ever! Urghhhhhhhhhh......kill me!

Chinese New Year is coming up but I'm just not in the mood to celebrate it this year.
Reason 1: After the CNY holidays is the midterm exam, holy crap.
Reason 2: My cousin's relationship problem which costs quite a havoc.
Reason 3: My father.

I'll be updating soon again.....

2010 New Year!

2010-01-10T18:08:00.003+08:00

Yeah it's the new year. I'm pushing myself to the limit and instilling more discipline into my blood.

I don't plan to have a new year resolution but rather have a resolution everyday for this year. Why make resolutions for a year when I am going to break them anyway?!

Coming up on the line:

1. Quizzes and Exams
2. AYO audition
3. Chinese New Year holidays

I bought bed sheets and a pillow from IKEA. Pretty cheap. Wooo!

Lastly,

Congratz to Joyce on her newly opened music studio! It's beautiful.

Year end activities

2009-12-30T10:56:00.006+08:00

I'm back from MPYO camp. Yea, I know I should have updated earlier. There are too many things to talk about. Log on to facebook for pics; my friends have uploaded gazillion of pictures, KL as well as the Singapore tour. I'm really looking forward to next year's MPYO camp as there are indeed exhilarating. Wooo!

Christmas was simple and warm. Well, it's not those fancy dining places that I had my wonderful meal but at my cozy home. We had fried rice, vegetables and roasted chicken.

I had an afternoon yesterday with my old school mates; Darren, Eric and Felix. We ate at KFC, The Spring and chatted; watched Sherlock Holmes after that. I really miss KFC because in KL, it sucks. Felix still the same as bitchy and bossy as ever. "SWT" were written most of the times on our faces whenever he opens his mouth.

Right now, I'm finding the recipe to steam chicken. Specifically, the marination part.

Will update again soon.......

Happenings! op. 2

2009-12-03T15:59:00.008+08:00

Yea.....you are right. I thought I'll be busy but it turns out that I'm getting a bit of a break here.

Recently, I went to watch movies at MBO, The Spring; 2012 and Ninja Assassin. Both the movies are just okay for me. Love the story about the ninja clan. They are really cool even though they're assassins and they are fit; makes me want to head off to the gym immediately.

Moving on......

I'm preparing for a Suzuki Violin competition as an accompanist and the "great" soloist just decided today that he should join, my dear brother. Thanks to him I have to practice like mad; 3 days to learn and perfect two repertoires (Wieniawski Legende and Monti Czardas).

Another occasion is my brother's saxophone exam. I was wondering how is he going to take his exam; the poor cloth got stuck inside the head piece of the saxophone! Thank God, my father rescued the 'sick' sax and is now barking my brother to practice it.

Christmas as well as MPYO camp is around the corner and we will be playing works by Kodaly, Strauss, Tchaikovsky and some Christmas repertoire arrangement. We'll be going on a concert tour to Singapore at YST Conservatory and back again to KL for another performance at DFP hall, KLCC. Hurry grab your tickets. Hope to see you guys there!

Sad sad sad

2009-11-27T22:47:00.005+08:00

I am so sad I feel like my world is ending.

I can't cry for it seems like I'm immune to this treacherous storm; I can't cry for I have forgotten how to cry...........

So sad that I can only express it out through music and words.......

The burden, has dropped hard onto me repeatedly, endlessly......

So empty on the inside.

The Box

2009-11-23T09:13:00.006+08:00

I have to say that it was a crazy Saturday last week due to a childish crisis which my mum, two brothers and I have to bare with. Anyways, we planned to watch 2012 at that very day in the evening at 8.30 pm. The line was damn long. It seems like everyone prefers MBO cinema compared to LFS and Star; comfortable and classy......etc.

When we reached the ticket booth; to my horror: 2012, sold out! GREAT! Both 8.30 pm and 9.30 pm.

We had no choice but to pick another movie because I didn't want to watch a late show having to wait another 2 more hours for it.

The Christmas Carol or The Box? Everyone assumed that nobody wants to watch cartoon so we picked The Box.

The box is based on Richard Matheson’s short story “Button, Button,” which is beautiful in its simplicity and haunting irony. The box becomes the exact opposite of the source material, long-winded and boring.

It was rather boring but interesting in a way that the suspense is rendered laughable. I thought that Cameron Diaz's acting in this movie was horrible and unnatural as compared with James Marsden; flawless. He commands the screen far better than his female counterpart.

It starts of nicely but it gradually got more confusing as the plot thickens and spins out of control. The unbearably slow pace makes it worst.

Anyways, the reviews can be googled.

The moral of the story: 1. Do not simply receive gifts from strangers 2. Get on with your life.

Random op. 4

2009-11-19T16:13:00.005+08:00

"You must be the change you wish to see in the world."- Mahatma Gandhi.

"Dream like you'll live forever; live like you'll die tomorrow."- James Dean.

"Love is an emotion experienced by the many and enjoyed by the few."- George Jean Nathan.

"I dream my painting, and then I paint my dream."- Vincent van Gogh.